Monday December 16, 2013 at about 1:30pm, I received a call that no one should ever have to get. I had just stopped and got a ginger lemon shot from the Juice Joint and was texting with my husband about returning a video and that he should try that shot for his cough.  Then I went and picked up Z’s friend who was home from college so they could hang out.  I dropped him off at our house and headed out to the gym.  I was about 5 minutes away when my phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize.  I usually don’t answer, but this time I did. It was a guy from the freelance company Dave worked for.  He told me that Dave collapsed at work and they were taking him to the hospital. He was in Elgin working at the Sears Studio that day.  He didn’t have any other information except that I should go to the hospital.  I really had no idea what to think at that point but I immediately started to feel very anxious.  I turned around and drove home to let Z know that Dave got sick and was in the hospital and I needed to go.  M was still in school so I arranged for a friend to pick him up and bring him home.

I started the long drive out to Elgin which is 35 miles away and where Dave worked. A snow storm was looming.  The hospital was across the street from his office.  I called the hospital to get more information, but they were being very vague with me.  That is when I first thought that the unthinkable had happened.  When my Dad was alive and would end up in the ER with respiratory attacks, they would always give me updates over the phone.  Because he was still alive.

I was begging and pleading with God that Dave would be ok but I just did not have peace. I got stopped by a long freight train on River Road.  My anxiety was getting worse so I called Silent Unity to pray.  Even that call was strange… it was almost like they couldn’t pray what I wanted them to… because he had already died.  I called a friend to pray. I called my brother.  I kept driving and trying to believe this wasn’t happening. I was bargaining with God. But somehow I knew that he was dead. I called the hospital again. Again they wouldn’t give me any information.  Because they knew I was driving.  I tried to focus on the road signs because I felt like I was going to pass out.

I finally got to the hospital and went in to the ER.  I walked up to the desk and gave them our insurance cards. I was in a fog and I realized they didn’t really need the cards.  They were acting like they didn’t know what to do with me or how to act – because they knew something I didn’t… yet.

I felt like I was going to get sick so the nurses or admin people took me to a bathroom.  I remember walking past the waiting area which was full of people. I thought that was strange. Turns out they were all of Dave’s co workers from Sears.

They took me to a room withDave’s best friend that he was working with.  Again I knew what this meant since they didn’t just take me straight to see Dave.  The fog started getting thicker.  Trying to protect me from what I knew was coming.  I sat down and no one would tell me anything.  Everyone was just acting very strange.

Finally the door opened and a man walked in with a bible in his hand. So I knew. He was the chaplain.  I can’t remember what he said to me, and then the Doctor came in.

The Doctor sat down and told me that Dave had died. That they tried to do everything they could and he was very sorry. He was very matter of fact. No emotion.  And then he got up and left.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to describe what went through me at that very moment. I do know that I knew how final death was since my Dad had  passed away 7 months earlier. I understood what it meant – I just didn’t understand why and how this could happen.  I felt so helpless and alone – there was nothing that could bring me comfort or fix it or make it go away – and I knew that.  I remember thinking how can I go through this without completely losing my mind. I was still grieving my Dad. My sons just lost their Father. I just lost my husband.